


D Gay Man

by StorytellerSecrets



Series: Chat Fics That Literally No One Asked For [1]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen 2.0, Allen Jr., Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Animated GIFs, But like a decent asshole who cares deeply, Canon Disabled Character, Crack, Cross Marian is an Asshole, Cross Marian's A+ Parenting, Dogs, Embedded Images, Everyone Is Gay, Everyone's gay, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gay, Gen, Group Chat Fic, Group chat, Humor, I don't know, Jasdevi are dicks, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Memes, Multi, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pictures, Roadalee, So Massively Gay, Tags Are Hard, Texting, Timcanpy - Freeform, Trans Male Character, Trans!Tyki, Tumblr Memes, WHOMST, What Was I Thinking?, What's Character Development?, Why Did I Write This?, Yullen, a lot of art that isnt mine, and one meme that is, birthday surprises?, chat fic, fuck i need a nap, god help us all, guys i need a nap, i mean it was all pretty damn surprising, it's so gay, just chaos, like really gay, lucky - Freeform, multiple references inside references, no schedule, none of them have parents, occasionally, plot?, poor updating schedule, so many memes, so much big dick energy, sometimes, that frickin couch, timcanpy is a dog, tw: cross marian, vine references, what am i fucking doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2019-07-24 21:25:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16183493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StorytellerSecrets/pseuds/StorytellerSecrets
Summary: you: (__l__)allel: did you literallyallel: kandayou: allenlavaman: laviallel: you just said your own namelavaman: it was the only one left





	1. Feet Gloves

**Author's Note:**

> Or: The Chat Fic Literally No One Wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you: god already damned me
> 
> you: it was the day he birthed me from a hellfire tornado of hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First Chapter Is Up!

**allel** : guys i have a problem

 

 **you** : whjen do u not

 

 **allel** : ok that’s fair

 

 **allel** : but also go fuck yourself kanda

 

 **you** : i just did

 

 **lavaman** : god damn yuu tmi

 

 **you:** god already damned me

 

 **you:** it was the day he birthed me from a hellfire tornado of hell

 

 **lavaman** : a what

 

 **you:** did I stuffer

 

 **allel:** good god kanda get autocorrect please

 

 **you:** yeah fuck you allen

 

 **you:** whats your skitty problem

 

 **allel:** well, my ‘skitty’ problem is that i may or may not have a dog at my house

 

 **you:** yes you own a dog is this news to you

 

 **allel:** a different dog

 

 **allel:** i mean he looks like allen2

 

 **allel:** but its not him

 

 **allel:** his soul is different

 

 **you:** are you fuijkng hirgh right now

 

 **allel:** do i look high to youu

 

 **you:** were texting dumbasd

 

 **you:** i cansdt see you

 

 **allel:** no im not high

 

 **lavaman** : al you sound pretty high to me

 

 **you:** lavi i no without a doibt youre high rn so go away ur not helping dumbasd

 

 **lavaman** : whast a doibt

 

 **you:** go to bed

 

 **lavaman** : makme

 

 **you** : ill call lenalee

 

 **lavaman** : im suddenly ready for a nao

 

 **lavaman** : *naol

 

 **lavaman** : ***Imnap

 

 **lavaman** : *****mnaap

 

 **allel:** lavi just go to bed we know what you meant

 

 **lavaman** : kk nite

 

 **you:** god dadmn finalyl

 

-:-

 

 **allel:** ok so theres a dog at my house

 

 **allel:** but hes not my dog what do i do

 

 **allel:** he looks like he wants to eat me

 

 **allel:** kanda fuckiung help

 

 **you:** i thoujht you were a fdog person

 

 **allel:** i AM but htis dAmN dog

 

 **you:** ok have you feld himm

 

 **allel:** brb

 

 **you:** oh my fUCk allen this is why no one loves you

 

 **allel:** back

 

 **allel:** srsly fuck you

 

 **allel:** but this dog is scaring me

 

 **you:** okm so

 

 **you:** jusjt go tobed

 

 **you:** jujst shut your door

 

 **allel:** you broke my bloody door

 

 **you:** ok then donnt sleep

 

 **allel:** super helpful

 

 **you:** what do you want me to tell you

 

 **allel:** idk just help

 

 **allel:** pls god hjes scraing me

 

 **you:** oh my fujkc justj shup up you jscan fujcking comek ofer to my house jeezus

 

 **allel:** suddenly I understand why you failed English

 

 **you:** fuck you

 

 **you:** ill be ovetrr in five

 

-:-

 

 **lavaman** : god wht he fuk did i drinK last nite

 

 **you:** try “what did I smoke”

 

 **allel:** omg good grammar im so proud kanda

 

 **allel:** perhaps youre not hopeless after all

 

 **you:** (__l__)

 

 **allel:** did you literally

 

 **allel:** kanda

 

 **you:** allen

 

 **lavaman:** lavi

 

 **allel:** you just said your own name

 

 **lavaman** : it was the only one left

 

 **lenalady:** what did i miss

 

 **lavaman** : were saying names

 

 **lenalady:** oh

 

 **lenalady:** and no one said my name???

 

 **lenalady:** after all ive done for you?

 

 **lenalady:** i dedicate my entire life to jesus christ and _this_ is the thanks i get?

 

 **lavaman** : i have failed you, my love

 

 **lenalady:** i _have_ a girlfriend

 

 **lavaman** : hey me to

 

 **lavaman** : were like twins

 

 **allel:** someone mentioned twins and i shuddered

 

 **lavaman** : damn jasdevi rlly did a number on u

 

 **allel:** fuckers left me piles of dishes to clean _BY MYSELF_

 

 **allel:** i only have two fucking hands

 

 **lavaman** : u use both of ur hands 4 fucking? damn thats skill

 

 **allel** : yes i know im quite talented

 

 **you:** this is why you don’t have a girlfriend

 

 **allel** : kanda im gay

 

 **you** : thisi s why you dont have a *byofirend

 

 **allel** : were literally dating

 

 **you** : this is why you odnt have a *father

 

 **allel** : oof i mean

 

 **allel** : if the shoe fits

 

 **lavaman** : ok im gonna get 2 pairs these shoes fit like a glove

 

 **lavaman** : but 4 feet

 

 **lavaman** : feet gloves

 

 **lenalady** : the word your looking for is socks

 

 **lavaman** : feet gloves

 

 **lenalady** : _SOCKS_

 

 **lavaman** : ok _damn_ i no when ive lost

 

 **lenalady** : :)

 

 **lavaman** : :l

 

 **allel** : -u+

 

 **lavaman** : hey allen

 

 **lavaman** : that face you made looks a lot like you

 

 **allel** : how quaint

 

 **allel** : someone should have made a joke about that

 

 **lavaman** : yea probably

 

 **allel** : -_-

 

 **allel** : god _damn_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!


	2. Lesbiens™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mirroranda: time is a tool that you have on your wall
> 
> mirroranda: or wear it on your wrist
> 
> mirroranda: the past is far behind us
> 
> allel: not far enough id say
> 
> mirroanda: fuck allen you ruined my jam
> 
> allel: what can I say im more of a jelly person myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second Chapter! Whoo-hoo!

**lenalady:** hey allen do you remember road

 

 **allel:** how could i not

 

 **lenalady:** she’s a lesbian

 

 **allel:** okay

 

 **lenalady:** im a lesbian

 

 **allel:** no

 

 **lenalady:** yes

 

 **allel:** god why

 

 **you:** seriosdufoly why her

 

 **lenalady:** because shes cute

 

 **lenalady:** because road is my sworn enemy uwu

 

 **lenalady:** ignore that road typed that

 

 **allel:** case in point:

 

 **allel:** what

 

 **you:** the

 

 **allel:** fuck

 

 **lenalady:** its not my fault shes cute

 

 **allel:** yeah but her family

 

 **lenalady:** are respectable people

 

 **allel:** no there assholes

 

 **you:** I hate to agree with anyyting allen says but yea thuy suck

 

 **lenalady:** i know okay but shes cute

 

 **allel:** lenalee

 

 **lenalady:** yes?

 

 **allel:** be careful

 

 **lavaman:** wait ur in lesbiens with road

 

 **lenalady:** yes

 

 **lavaman:** shit

 

 **lenalady:** huh?

 

 **lavaman:** gtg bye its girlfriend time

 

 **mirroranda:** did someone say time

 

 **you:** god why

 

 **mirroranda:** time is a tool that you have on your wall

 

 **mirroranda:** or wear it on your wrist

 

 **mirroranda:** the past is far behind us

 

 **allel:** not far enough id say

 

 **mirroanda:** fuck allen you ruined my jam

 

 **allel:** what can I say im more of a jelly person myself

 

 **mirroranda:** wow that’s gay

 

 **allel:** its literally not

 

 **mirroranda:** anything gay if you try hard enough

 

 **allel:** literally do not

 

 **lenalady:** did someone say lesbian

 

 **allel:** no

 

 **lenalady:** really because it sounded like someone said lesbian

 

 **lenalady:** and I myself am very much a lesbian

 

 **allel:** we _know_

 

 **lenalady:** yes but i must say it

 

 **allel:** must you

 

 **lenalady:** i must

 

 **allel:** god damn you funky little lesbian

 

 **allel:** now i must go out into the world

 

 **lenalady:** your going to play poker aren’t you

 

 **allel:** well yeah but when you say it like that

 

 **allel:** k bye bitch

 

 **lenalady:** how crass

 

 **lenalady:** what an absolute ass

 

-:-

 

 **Tyki:** Why hello, Allen.

 

 **allel:** what the fuck why do you have my number

 

 **Tyki:** Road is a very giving person.

 

 **allel:** how the fuck do you know road

 

 **Tyki:** Blood ties, of a sort.

 

 **allel:** figures

 

 **Tyki:** I’d take that as a compliment if I didn’t know Road myself.

 

 **allel:** ok so why are you texting me

 

 **allel:** like don’t you have something better to do

 

 **Tyki:** Not really, no.

 

 **Tyki:** Besides, you owe me a rematch.

 

 **allel:** ok so like fine

 

 **allel:** but also fuck you youre a creep

 

 **Tyki:** I’m alright with that.

 

 **Tyki:** Are you free on Saturday morning? Let’s say the McAllister Café?

 

 **allel:** whatever

 

 **allel:** see you there, fucker

 

 **Tyki:** I’ll be waiting.

 

 **allel:** ok see now i know youre just fucking with me

 

 **Tyki:** Well—

 

 **Tyki:** You’re not wrong.

 

 **allel:** god damn you tyki mhyk

 

 **Tyki:** Mikk, actually, but you’re close.

 

 **allel:** ok so fuck you

 

-:-

 

 **Tyki:** I know you’re cheating.

 

 **allel:** yeah well so are you

 

 **Tyki:** God damn you, Allen Walker.

 

 **allel:** (:

 

 **allel:** hey tyki

 

 **allel:** good luck doing that thing

 

 **Tyki:** What thing?

 

 **allel:** the thing

 

 **Tyki:** Okay, uh, sure?

 

 **allel:** also bandages are bad for you you dumb fuck have a nice day

 

 **Tyki:** w h a t

 

 **allel:** (:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!


	3. "Straight"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> allel: so whats your boyfriends name
> 
> lenalady: lavi you’re straight
> 
> lavaman: right
> 
> lavaman: about that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Three Motherfluffers!

**lavaman:** so anyways my girlfriend’s actually my boyfriend

 

**allen:** wait w h a t

 

**lavaman:** he’s trans  & he came out to me today

 

**lenalady:** So are you guys still dating?

 

**lavaman:** of course we are

 

**lavaman:** y wouldn’t we be

 

**lenalady:** lavi you’re straight

 

**lavaman:** right

 

**lavaman:** about that

 

**allel:** god damn it i knew it

 

**allel:** fuck you kanda i was right damnit

 

**allel:** pay up bitch

 

**you:** damnint lavi you relaly had to go and get a byofriend

 

**lavaman:** did u guys actually bet on me

 

**allel:** i plead the fifth

 

**lenalady:** allen you’re british

 

**allel:** _ I plead the fifth _

 

-:-

 

**allel:** so whats your boyfriends name

 

**allel:** tell us bitch

 

**lavaman:** oh his names tyki

 

**lavaman:** here ill add him

 

**allel:** wait what

 

**allel:** the

 

**allel:** fuck

 

**Tyki:** We meet again, Allen Walker.

 

**allel:** O.o

 

**Tyki:** (:

 

**allel:** you owe me fifty whole american dollars

 

**Tyki:** You owe ME fifty whole British dollars.

 

**allel:** try me bitch

 

**Tyki:** I won’t hesitate.

 

**lavaman:** well this could be worse

 

**rhoadde:** hi allen!

 

**lavaman:** oh yea its worse

 

**lenalady:** I’m sorry but she insisted

 

**allel:** fuck this shit im out

 

**lavaman:** u came out yrs ago allen

 

**you:** what in ther fujck

 

**Tyki:** (:

 

**lavaman:** hey allem wht happened with ur doggo

 

**allel:**

 

**allel:** well

 

**you:** dumbfuck thought a boy btich is a girl bitch thats what

**lavaman:** is the a bad time to say me too

 

**Tyki:** Excuse you, I am a  _ whore. _

 

**lavaman:** of course my apologies

 

**lenalady:** allen what does he mean

 

**allel:** the reason my dog was acting weird

 

**allel:** is because she’s a slut

 

**lavaman:** huh?

 

**Tyki:** Who’s dog did you breed her with?

 

**allel:** i  _ didn’t _

 

**Tyki:** I see. How scandalous.

 

**Tyki:** Did you take her to a vet?

 

**allel:** yeah the one down on Millford Ln.

 

**Tyki:** Oh. Who did you see?

 

**allel:** dr. kamelot i think?

 

**rhoadde:** oh how was he?

 

**allel:** uh he was fine i think

 

**allel:** why do you ask road

 

**rhoadde:** what? i can’t dote over my own brother?

 

**you:** your  _ what _

 

**rhoadde:** my brother

 

**rhoadde:** you know b r o t h e r, like a male sibling

 

**you:** i know what a fucking brother is

 

**allel:** how is wisely your brother?

 

**rhoadde:** you’re on first-name basis already? he must really like you

 

**lavaman:** but I thought you only had one brother

 

**rhoadde:** right

 

**lavaman:** but tyki’s your

 

**Tyki:** ANYWAYS

 

**allel:** hey lenalee do you and road want to go to the movies? kanda and i bought tickets but we have a meeting to go to

 

**you:** what meeting

 

**allel:** the  _ meeting _

 

**lenalady:** sure we’d love to

 

**rhoadde:** thanks allen!

 

-:-

 

**allel:** okay i think they’re gone

 

**you:** fucking finallt

 

**allel:** so

 

**allel:** what the fuck

 

**allel:** hate to be all impersonal here, well, actually, i dont mind at all

 

**allel:**  but are you not out to your family

 

**Tyki:** Sorry, but have you  _ met _ them? Of course I’m not out.

 

**allel:** ok fair have a nice day

 

**Tyki:** Actually, it’s more like a carnival.

 

**allel:** lavi you need a new boyfriend

 

**lavaman:** nah im good

 

**allel:** fuck you you cant sit with us anymore

 

**lavaman:** well, i always was a man of standing

 

**Tyki:** Then why are you sitting on my lap.

 

**allel:** lavi thats gay

 

**lavaman:** allen im gay

 

**allel:** oh, worm?

 

**lavaman:** no, danger noodle

 

**allel:** valid

 

**Tyki:** I am...so fucking lost.

 

**allel:** god me too

 

**lavaman:** we’re all hopelessly lost here

 

**allel:** well, you know what they say

 

**allel:** you can’t lose something if it’s still missing

 

**lavaman:** like what

 

**allel:** my father

 

**Tyki:** My will to live.

 

**you:** my ability to deal with stupid fucks like you

 

**lavaman:** _ softly, but with a lot of emotion _ god d a m n

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!


	4. Outed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mirroranda: if your a mess and you know it and your really starting to show it clap your hands!
> 
> allel: can’t clap my hands
> 
> allel: im a paralyzed son of a bitch
> 
> allel: but if i could i’d clap my hands so hard id break the sound barrier three times over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha so this fic is officially a mess. :) Thanks, as always, and please enjoy the fic!

**rhoadde:** tyki what the fuck.

 

**rhoadde:** you came out to me when you were six fuck off.

 

**rhoadde:** not out my ass you literally wear a pride flag like a cape around the house!

 

**Tyki:** It’s nothing, really. Just a joke.

 

**rhoadde:** hahaha yeah real funny -_-

 

**rhoadde:** now explain.

 

**Tyki:** I already told you, it’s  _ nothing _ .

 

**rhoadde:** well obviously its something! So explain it so i can understand why you’re keeping secrets again!

 

**allel:** hate to barge in here, but “again?”

 

**Tyki:** Oh my god, Road. I am not having a discussion involving my gender with you over a group chat. Surprisingly, I don’t really like the world to know all my secrets.

 

**rhoadde:** wait who said anything about gender?

 

**allel:** shit you set yourself up for that one man

 

**rhoadde:** tyki is this why you cried when i made you play dress up with me?

 

**you:** pffft. weakk

 

**allel:** kanda i love you but for once you need to shut your damn mouth that shit it t r a u m a t is i n g

 

**lavaman:** playing dres up w/ road or being trans

 

**Tyki:** Lavi I Love You But You CAN NOT Say Things Like That

 

**lavaman:** oh

 

**lavaman:** oops?

 

**rhoadde:** wait does this mean i finally have a cool older brother now?

 

**allel:** i thought wisely was your brother

 

**rhoadde:** yeah. so

 

**rhoadde:** does this mean i finally have a cool older brother?

 

**lavaman:** get fukkin rekt

 

**wiser than**   **ur mum:** hay fuck you

 

**rhoadde:** alright fuckers

 

**rhoadde:** who added him

 

**allel:** i literally heard your knuckles cracking through the phone

 

**lavaman:** DID SOMEONE SAY KNUCKLES

 

**Tyki:** Lavi.

 

**lavaman:** DO YOU KNOW DA WAE?

 

**Tyki:** I know the way to getting another boyfriend.

 

**lavaman:** damn y’all r party poopers

 

**wiser than ur mum:** y’all

 

-:-

 

**allel:** gays where’s lenalee

 

**allel:** i meant guys but i guess this works too

 

**rhoadde:** she’s at my house

 

**allel:** what is she doing at your house

 

**rhoadde:** sleeping :))))

 

**allel:** you’re not comforting at all, you know that right

 

**Tyki:** Don’t mind Road. She just likes to fuck with you.

 

**allel:** yeah, well id like to fuck with her for once

 

**allel:** oh god did i just say that

 

**rhoadde:** that can be arranged, allen!

 

**allel:** i take iT BACK I TAKE IT BAK

 

**Fu:** im with stupid

 

**Bak:** im stupid

 

**Bak:** aslo y am i being tajen

 

**allel:** good god w h y

 

**wiser than ur mum:** come on allen everyone and ur mum knows that god isn’t good

 

**allel:** i don’t have a mom

 

**wiser than ur mum:** yeah well if u did id be wiser than her

 

**allel:** id gathered that much

 

**wiser than ur mum:** wow you should become a dective ur so observant omg

 

**allel:** okay so fuck right off

 

**allel:** you can insult my dignity

 

**allel:** and you can insult my honor

 

**allel:** you can even insult my non-existent mother

 

**allel:** but you can never insult my p r i d e

 

**allel:** like id become a stupid detective ffs

 

**lavaman:** did someone say pride

 

**allel:** NO

 

**lavaman:** really because it sounded like pride

 

**lavaman:** and my boyfriend knows that i just love pride

 

**Tyki:** I do, in fact, know this.

 

**lavaman:** i love pride

 

**lenalady:** we should have a pride party

 

**allel:** oh my god you’re back from the grave

 

**lenalady:** ha ha what no im just stopping by

 

**lenalady:** being dead is very relaxing

 

**rhoadde:** yes she enjoys playing dead

 

**allel:** because i know you, im going to assume that you mean something totally benign and not that you two are involved in necrophilia

 

**rhoadde:** nah she just likes being the zombie with her stupid girlfried in the videogoame

 

**rhoadde:** my name’s rhoad and im stupid pay attention to me

 

**rhoadde:** i hat u guys lol

 

**Tyki:** I have been informed to tell you that Jasdero and Devit have stolen Road’s phone.

 

**Tyki:** Also, ignore any dead bodies of twins being dragged into any ditches nearby.

 

**rhoadde:** im a lesbiean and im a super big fag

 

**rhoadde:** daddy doesn’t love me uwu

 

**you:** listen here you little SHITS

 

**you:** i don’t even like road

 

**you:** actually, with how many times she’s hit on my fiance, i kind of hate her

 

**you:** but you don’t get to fucking say things like that

 

**you:** about ANYONE

 

**you:** and if you say shit like that again, ill rip your fucking tongues out from your asshole

 

**rhoadde:** oh youd like that woul,dnt yuo

 

**rhoadde:** cause ur a fuckin fag 2 rnt u

 

**you:** yeah okay ill be right bak

 

**bak:** y do yuo guys keep saying my name

 

**Fu:** because they cant type worth shit dumbass

 

**Fu:** kind of like you

 

**Fu:** dumbass

 

**allel:** god why is my boyfriend covered in blood

 

**rhoadde:** road get your ass over heer and take our phoned

 

**allel:** oh

 

**allel:** okay

 

**allel:** lenalee is your girlfriend okay

 

**lenalady:** my  _ name _ is road and i dont appreciate that tone of voice your glare is giving me

 

**allel:** what glare

 

**lenalady:** that glare

 

**lavaman:** lol u guys got engaged?

 

**wiser than ur mum:** whichever one of you is the mum im wiser than u

 

**Tyki:** So…

 

**Tyki:** No pride party?

 

**rhoadde:** fuck yeah were doing a pride party

 

**allel:** but guys its october

 

 **allel:** pride month was in june

 

**rhoadde:** **_PRIDE PARTY_ **

 

**allel:** also, wisely?

 

**wiser than ur mum:** ye?

 

**allel:** we’re both the mum

 

**lavaman:** MAXIMUM MOM

 

**lenalady:** motherly goals

 

**lenalady:** im a lesbian so i know what im talking about

 

**rhoadde:** you sure do babe.  <3

 

**lenalady:** thank you

 

**rhoadde:** are you blshing?

 

**rhoadde:** did i make you blush?

 

**lenalady:** ...possibly

 

**lavaman:** wow that’s gay

 

**you:** wow were literally all gay

 

**mirroranda:** I’m not

 

**allel:** where in the fuck do all these people keep coming from

 

**mirroranda:** you little bitch you literally were the one that added me on the first day

 

**Bak:** oh my god did miranda literally just call a baby a bitch

 

**allel:** im nineteen fuck off

 

**Bak:** a BAYB

 

**rhoadde:** hii bak!

 

**Bak:** fuck off bitch

 

**rhoadde:** fucking hypocrite

 

**Bak:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**Fu:** guys can you believe im married to this trash

 

**Fu:** this adult man who just told a little girl to fuck off

 

**allel:** yeah i believe it

 

**allel:** in case you forgot, i was the one who you came crying to for a month

 

**allel:** every day

 

**allel:** did you know that you punch people while you cry

 

**Marie:** How unfortunate.

 

**Fu:** you’ll see, one day what it’s like to marry someone.

 

**Marie:** No, I don’t think I will.

 

**Fu:** and why is that?

 

**Marie:** I’m blind.

 

**Marie:** Also I’m already married.

 

**Marie:** To my emotional mess of a wife.

 

**mirroranda:** fuck you at least i dont have a girls name

 

**allel:** pretty sure miranda is a girls name

 

**mirroranda:** fuck damnit i cant fight that

 

**mirroranda:** but i can fight the system

 

**Marie:** Miranda, please.

 

**mirroranda:** anarchy. its beautiful.

 

**Marie:** Yes, but not prettier than you.

 

**mirroranda:** fuck off and let me have my rebellious thoughts

 

**Marie:** you literally burst into tears whenever someone even mentions the word child or dog.

 

**mirroranda:** your point being?

 

**Marie:** ...nothing, my horribly evil queen.

 

**allel:** hey kanda why dont you call me that

 

**you:** because you punched me the last time i called oyu babe

 

**allel:** fair but fuck off

 

**you:** make me

 

**allel:** maybe i will

 

**you:** how

 

**allel:** ill show everyone your Magic: The Gathering cards

 

**you:** you wouldn’t

 

**allel:** oh but i would

 

**you:** you smug little  **bastard**

 

**allel:** i mean,, you got the bastard part right

 

**mirroranda:** if your a mess and you know it and your really starting to show it clap your hands!

 

**allel:** can’t clap my hands

 

**allel:** im a paralyzed son of a bitch

 

**allel:** but if i could i’d clap my hands so hard id break the sound barrier three times over

 

**lavaman:** id clap my hands but my boyfriends brother cut my hand off

 

**Tyki:** Lavi, it was a surgery to save your life.

 

**lavaman:** fuker still cut my hand off

 

**Tyki:** Okay, fine

 

**Tyki:** I can clap for the both of us

 

**Tyki:** there

 

**Tyki:** im clapping

 

**lavaman:** i love my boyfriend

 

**Tyki:** ...your boyfriend loves you, too.

 

**rhoadde:** *gags*

 

**Tyki:** I’ll show wisely your tumblr

 

**wiser than ur mum:** god please do

 

**wiser than ur mum:** she’d never fucking live it down

 

**rhoadde:** fine ill let you two be disgustingly gay

 

**lavaman:** that is incorect

 

**lavaman:** gay and disgusting do not go together

 

**lavaman:** perhaps try a term like cis?

 

**mirroranda:** um exuse me that’s extremely heterophobic

 

**lavaman:** yeah well im afraid of straight people what can i say

 

**mirroranda:** okay that’s vaild

 

 **mirroranda:** me too

 

**lavaman:** ur moms vaild

 

**wiser than ur mum:** and im wiser than her

 

**allel:** what’s a mom?

 

**rhoadde:** oh my g o d

 

**allel:** no for real what's a mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed the fic! Comments and kudos will be stored in my basement to be used as motivation for my lazy soul. Have a great day!


	5. Dogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lavaman: kanda do you actually know how to smile
> 
> you: fuck right off and die in a mountain of death
> 
> lavaman: a w h a t
> 
> you: perish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha so I lost control of this fic in chapter two in case you didn't know. :)

**wiser than ur mum:** ALLEN WALKER

 

**allel:** shit

 

**wiser than ur mum:** HOW DARE YOU

 

**allel:** in my good christian defence the off of maxton was closer

 

**Tyki:** Maxton?

 

**rhoadde:** maxton street you dumb fuck this is why lavi was the only one who loved you

 

**lavaman:** i know that’s supposed to be an insult but ill take it as a compliment

 

**Tyki:** No, you won’t.

 

**lavaman:** i take it back i am  _ insulted _

 

**lenalady:** #whipped

 

**wiser than ur mum:** and i hear from kanda that there was seven of them?

 

**allel:** yep.

 

**wiser than ur mum:** how much are you selling them for?

 

**lenalady** : ?

 

**allel:** how much are you willing to pay?

 

**wiser than ur mum:** yeah ur definitely neah’s nephew

 

**allel:** literally die

 

**wiser than ur mum:** cant sorry im needed for plot development

 

**rhoadde:** nah i think we could do without you

 

**Tyki:** We’ll live life fully once you’re gone.

 

**wiser than ur mum:** god d a m n this is bullying guys

 

**wiser than ur mum:** what would your parents think

 

**wiser than ur mum:** due to common sense i would like to retract that please and thank you

 

**allel:** what paren-damnit

 

**allel:** wisely when do you want to meet them all

 

**wiser than ur mum:** just bring them in for checkups

 

**wiser than ur mum:** ill do it for free if you gimme a good one

 

**allel:** you drive a hard bargain

 

**allel:** deal

 

**lenalady:** k so what in gods name are we talking about

 

**you:** allen jr. had puppies

 

**allel:** we’re keeping one because i love him

 

**allel:** but the other eight have to go

 

**lenalady:** ill see if anyone i know wants one

 

**allel:** you are a god

 

**lenalady:** *goddess but ill accept it

 

**allel:** oh my god i almost forgot guess what fucker fucking texted me last night

 

**lavaman:** ccross rite

 

**rhoadde:** yeah it was cross wasnt it

 

**lenalady:** cross marion, correct?

 

**allel:** that fucking dick

 

**allel:** he’s such a dick he’s like a really big bag of really tiny dicks i hate him

 

**lenalady:** is he or is he not your legal guardian?

 

**allel:** he is but that means NOTHING he’s a piece of shit

 

**allel:** like the stain at the bottom of my boot

 

**lavaman:** wasn’t komoui and him a thing for awhile

 

**lenalady:** i can verify this

 

**lavaman:** yeah didn’t they like get engaged or something

 

**allel:** they fucking w h a t

 

**lenalady:** yes yes the lovely cross marion and komoui lee are married

 

**Tyki:** Since when?

 

**allel:** what he fucking said

 

**lenalady:** since never but your face oh my g o d

 

**allel:** lenalee you cant do that to me im Traumatized

 

**lenalady:** opps sorry my hand slipped

 

**allel** : ?

 

**+** : apprentice

 

**allel:** oh FUCK NO.

 

**allel:** oops sorry MY HAND FUCKING SLIPPED

 

**komoui:** hello everyone~~

 

**lenalady:** ill dropkick you into the sun

 

**allel:** look at me. look at my face.

 

**allel:** do i look like the kind of person that fears the sweet release of death?

 

**lavaman:** hey cross are you back in town

 

**+** : depends on who’s asking

 

**lavaman:** ur mom

 

**+** : mother?

 

**lavaman:** no ur mom

 

**+** : her name is mother

 

**allel:** its literally not

 

**+** : u moms a hoe

 

**allel:** i dont have a mom

 

**+** : that’s what they want you to think

 

**allel:** are you for fuking real

 

**allel:** fuck off u not my dad

 

**+** : do i look like a?

 

**allel:** no u fucking dont

 

**allel:** whaddup im allen 19 and im a legal adult fuck off

 

**+** : yeah well youre adopted

 

**allel:** fuck you

 

**+** : i have anita for that

 

**allel:** die

 

**+** : right back atcha

 

**lavaman:** damn no one ever told me cross was a meme

 

**+** : fuck you ur moms a hoe

 

**lavaman:** i dont have a mom but okay

 

**komoui:** guys if you talk like that again in front of my little sister ill fucking slaughter you~~ :)

 

**lenalady:** brother.

 

**lenalady:** stop it. Get some help.

 

**rhoadde:** wait is that lenalees brother

 

**komoui:** i am

 

**rhoadde:** im fucking your sister

 

**komoui:** w h a t  >:)

 

**rhoadde:** did i stutter?

 

**komoui:** carlton cafe 8 am tomorrow don’t be late

 

**rhoadde:** see you there :)

 

**lavaman:** what just happened

 

**rhoadde:** oh nothing~~

 

**lavaman:** tyki ily but your issters scary af

 

**Tyki:** I’m aware.

 

**lenalady:** road please be careful

 

**rhoadde:** what? Its not like your brother could hurt me or anything

 

**lenalady:** its not you im afraid of getting hurt

 

**komoui:** dont worry about me darling sister ~ im just going to make sure your little friend knows what hes getting into

 

**rhoadde:** im a female

 

**komoui:** *she and also if you hurt my sister ill fukcing maim you  <3

 

**rhoadde:** id sooner rip out my intestines and eat them myself than hurt her but thanks :)

 

**allel:**  nice picture youve painted for us road. guys do you wanna know how i got these scars?

 

**+** : he was running with a knife

 

**lavaman:** like that ‘what do you have’ ‘a knife’ ‘no!’ vine fucking lol

 

**allel:** this is bullying

 

**allel:** pure homophobia

 

**mirroranda:** i heard phobia and have been summoned because i am always very afraid

 

**Marie:** this is my very afraid wife isn’t she beautiful look at her shes so pretty

 

**rhoadde:** aren’t you blind?

 

**Marie:** what of it?

 

**rhoadde:** nothing

 

**you:** Marie: *is innocent* also marie: look at my wife isn’t she so pretty when shes scared

 

**allel:** what in the fuck knada

 

**lavaman:** ah yes your beautiful fiancee knada

 

**allel:** fuck. You.

 

**lavaman:** geez allen i know he’s pretty but honestly id rather not

 

**allel:** die

 

**lavaman:** :)

 

**Tyki:** Lavi.

 

**lavaman:** yee

 

**Tyki:** No.

 

**lavaman:** suddenly ive lost all Trolling Capabilities

 

**rhoadde:** WHIPPED

 

**lenalady:** road play nice

 

**rhoadde:** fiiinne

 

**lavman:** and Im the ones whos whipped

 

**allel:** i was whipped once

 

**+** : is he always this dark?

 

**Tyki:** Have you SEEN him play poker?

 

**+** : he still plays poker?

 

**allel:** yeah, no thanks to you

 

**+** : allen gambling is a bad habit

 

**allel:** its not a habit

 

**allel:** its a survival method

 

**rhoadde:** yeah well not to be ‘that person’ but i think you need a new survival method

 

**allel:** no u

 

**rhoadde:** fair have a nice day

 

**lenalady:** guys my car just broke down in my driveway

 

**lavaman:** damn sucks to suck

 

**lenalady:** i need groceries

 

**lavaman:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

**lenalady:** road?

 

**rhoadde:** babe ily but im at the movies and im not leaving the bee movie halfway through that’s like illegal or something

 

**allel:** are there even theaters that still play the bee movie?

 

**rhoadde:** apparently so ALLEN if i JUST SAID i was at the MOVIES watching the BEE MOVIE god learn to read

 

**allel:** sorry my names jared 19 and i never fucking learned how to read

 

**lenalady:** allen?

 

**allel:** shit sorry gotta blast my moms calling me

 

**lenalady:** anyone????

 

**lavaman:** fine god im going

 

**lenalady:** i love you

 

**lavaman:** i have a boyfriend

 

**Tyki:** Funny, me too.

 

**Tyki:** Is it okay if I go with you?

 

**lavman:** do you even need to ask

 

**lavaman:** good because i cannot drive

 

**lenalady:** what a useless gay

 

**lavaman:** actually its because im half-blind

 

**lenalee:** WHAT A USELESS GAY

 

**you:** allen why are there dogs at my house

 

**allel:** idk maybe they just wanted to chill?

 

**you:** allen.

 

**allel:** kanda.

 

**you:** why. Are. there. Dogs. in. my. House?

 

**allel:** because maybe said dogs peed all over my carpet and i had to get it cleaned and they need a place to chill while it dries

 

**you:** my landlord doesnt allow dogs

 

**allel:** well

 

**allel:** shit

 

**allel:** anyone have a house that can have pets

 

**mirroranda:** i do

 

**allel:** will you watch my seven dogs for like a week

 

**mirroranda:** maries allergic to dogs

 

**allel:** damn

 

**wiser than ur mum:** ILL TAKE THEM

 

**allel:** i love you

 

**wiser than ur mum:** I LOVE DOGS

 

**allel:** good considering you are a veterinarian

 

**wiser than ur mum:** actually im a veterinarian's assistant

 

**rhoadde:** wait were gonna have dogs?

 

**wiser than ur mum:** YES

 

**allel:** not for keeps though

 

**rhoadde:** not for keeps? :(

 

**allel:** no theyre mine fite me

 

**+** : wait why do you have so many dogs

 

**allel:** Allen Jr. is a slut

 

**allel:** she got pregnant

 

**allel:** do you want a puppy

 

**+** : god no you were enough

 

**+** : but neah wants one

 

**allel:** eww that fucker

 

**+** : he is your uncle damnit

 

**allel:** he’s gross

 

**+** : oops sorry my lack of impulse control made me

 

**knea:** why wont you love me

 

**allel:** wouldnt you like to know weatherboy

 

**knea:** where are you parents

 

**allel:** dead

 

**knea:** please love me

 

**allel:** if i cant even love myself why do you think i can love something like you

 

**knea:** d a m n

 

**lavaman:** why do you hate him so much?

 

**allel:** he left me with cross

 

**knea:** wait that’s why you hate me

 

**allel:** why else would i hate you

 

**+** : …

 

**knea:** oh my GOD nevermind

 

**+** : yeah i mean its not like he left you with his actually insane little brother or anything

 

**allel:** yOUr NoT My dAD

 

**allel:** also yeah he did but mana was l i t

 

**allel:** but also fite me

 

**lenalady:** lavi are you getting my groceries or???

 

**Tyki:** We’re at the store.

 

**lavaman:** what do you want lenalee

 

**lenalady:** food?

 

**lavman:** no i mean do you have a list or something or should i just grab stuff that looks like Lenalee Food?

 

**lenalady:** the last one

 

**lavman:** thnaks

 

**knea:** allen can i have a dog

 

**allel:** will you take care of it

 

**knea:** yes

 

**allel:** in the way that you should have taken care of me?

 

**knea:** y-yes

 

**allel:** k fine go over to wisely’s house and pick one out that hasn’t been taken

 

**knea:** which ones have been taken?

 

**allel:** the one with the messed up ear is mine and whichever one wisely wants

 

**wiser than ur mum:** I WANT ALL OF THEM

 

**wiser than ur mum:** THEYRE ALL MIIINEE

 

**knea:** wisely? Who dat?

 

**Tyki:** sherils been adopting everyone who breathes

 

**knea:** whos sheril????

 

**rhoadde:** my dad

 

**knea:** oh hi road

 

**rhoadde:** hi nea~~

 

**knea:** why wont allen love me?

 

**rhoadde:** you know, i ask myself that same question every day

 

**you:** yeah hate to agree with you weird fucks but same

 

**allel:** kanda were literally married

 

**you:** were literally not yet

 

**knea:** yet?? is my baby nephew finally finding love?

 

**allel:** fuck. You.

 

**knea:** i think youll be doing enough of that on your own

 

**allel:** die

 

**knea:** fine

 

**allel:** ?

 

**knea:** i perpetually yearn for the sweet release of death

 

**allel:** fair have a nice day

 

**knea:** im going to visit your dogs tomorrow

 

**allel:** okay

 

**knea:** im also going to visit you tomorrow

 

**allel:** okay

 

**knea:** im going to hug you

 

**allel:** no fuck off

 

**knea:** :(

 

**allel:** only kanda has hugging rights

 

**knea:** :(

 

**you:** :)

 

**lavaman:** kanda do you actually know how to smile

 

**you:** fuck right off and die in a mountain of death

 

**lavaman:** a  w h a t

 

**you:** perish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated but like really greatly appreciated.


	6. Dogs and Filler and Bonding Moments and Memes Oh My

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> +: don’t you fucking dare
> 
> +: imma say it; i dont care that you broke your elbow
> 
> knea: arm actually and youre the one that broke it
> 
> +: ill break the other one if you even think about it
> 
> knea: oops my hand slipped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. I'm sorry it took so long to get out, but this shit was hard to write. (Also that meme with cross was made by me and I'm Proud™ of it okay!)

**knea:** guys look at my dog

 

**  
**

**knea:** isn’t he beautiful

 

 **allel:** literally die i hate you

 

 **lavaman:** is that who i think it is

 

 **lavaman:** did you just

 

 **knea:** oh fuck wrong picture

 

 **+** : you done fucked

 

 **lenalady:** sory allen but i have to kill him

 

 **lenalady:** it’s the law my brother said so

 

 **allel:** dont feel sorry he deserves it

 

 **+** : that he does

 

 **knea:** here. to redeem myself here’s my actual dog

 

**  
**

**knea:** wait shi t

 

 **+** : you said you deleted that neah

 

 **knea:** im sorry im sorry im sorry i swear i forgot it was on there

 

 **+** : im going to come over

 

 **knea:** no wait im not home

 

 **+** : if i ask road will she tell me that

 

 **rhoadde:** oh hes home alright

 

 **knea:** is this for that time i left a glass of milk in your room

 

 **rhoadde:** that shit curdled for _years_ you penis

 

 **knea:** im _sorry_

 

 **rhoadde:** yeah im sure you are

 

 **rhoadde:** good luck because i can see cross’ car pulling up

 

 **knea:** s  h i **t**

 

 **allel:** now if you could both just battle together and die thatd be great

 

 **knea:** yeah well im about to

 

 **+** : damn right you are

 

 **knea:** fuck gotta hide gotta hide

 

 **lavaman:** this is fucking epic

 

 **+** : come out come out wherever the fuck you are

 

 **knea:** no

 

 **knea:** shITTSKGL:HDJ:fghuj5trkgl;

 

 **rhoadde:** oh my FUCK i lvoe this family

 

 **allel:** what happened

 

 **lavaman:** gimme the deets

 

 **rhoadde:** have you seen the red robin vine

 

 **allel:** which one

 

 **rhoadde:** there’s more than one?

 

 **allel:** fair

 

 **lavaman:** what red robin vine

 

 **rhoadde:** [this one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mn-0j9xBCgA)

 

 **allel:** fuck that’s just like them

 

 **rhoadde:** cross dragged him out of a closet

 

 **allel:** sounds about right

 

 **lenalady:** you guys are ridiculous

 

 **knea:** wisely do you also treat people

 

 **wiser than ur mum:** are you asking if i treat bitches like you

 

 **wiser than ur mum:** because the answer is no

 

 **cherll:** but **i** can help~~

 

 **knea:** you know what im okay having my arm broken itll heal on its own

 

 **+** : not if i break it again

 

 **knea:** im going to sue you

 

**rhoadde:**

 

**lavaman:** why her?

 

 **rhoadde:** shes a lesbean im a lesbien it works k

 

 **lavaman:** okay that fair

 

 **rhoadde:** no its gay

 

 **lavaman:** youre right im so sorry my mistake

 

 **knea:** marion how in the fuck do you expecti me to text you with one hand

 

 **+** : your hands not broken

 

 **knea:** no its just my arm

 

 **+** : so then what’s the problem

 

 **knea:** ....this is why maria left you

 

 **+** : no maria ‘left’ me because drunk drivers are shit

 

 **allel:** considering how often you drink that’s more than a little hypocritical

 

 **+** : considering how hard it was to take care of you _and_ neah i think the drinkings warranted

 

 **allel:** “hard to take care of”

 

 

 **+** : people literally tried to abduct you on the daily

 

 **+** : you got lost so many times

 

 **+** : you got into so many fights

 

 **+** : and the fucking sleepwalking

 

 **+** : yes, you were a hard child to take care of

 

 **knea:** guys cross will kill me for this but i can’t not do it you must know the truth

 

 **lavaman:** ?

 

 **+** : don’t you fucking dare

 

 **+** : imma say it; i dont care that you broke your elbow

 

 **knea:** arm actually and youre the one that broke it

 

 **+** : ill break the other one if you even think about it

 

 **knea:** oops my hand slipped

 

 

 

 **allel:** hey i remember those

 

 **lenalady:** you are so cute!!!

 

 **rhoadde:** lena i think im a little bit in love

 

 **lenalady:** me too.., me too

 

 **lavaman:** that weird ball thing your holding is kinda creepy though

 

 **allel:** yeah.that stuffed ball-thing was a prop for an abstract photoshoot that never happened

 

 **allel:** i loved it so much the cameraman let me keep it

 

 **allel:** cross made me swear to take care of it and i named him timcanpy

 

 **knea:** yeah he still has it

 

 **knea:** hes also trying to break my other arm sorry gotta blast.

 

 **allel:** you still have him?

 

 **+** : of course i do idiot

 

 **+** : i just never got to throwing it away

 

 **+** : besides, he was your first pet

 

 **allel:** im not crying your crying

 

 **you:** it’s *you’re you dumbass

 

 **allel:** coming from the guy with the shoddiest spelling ever im not exactly inclined to believe that

 

 **you:** so were naming one of the dogs timcanpy

 

 **allel:** what why

 

 **you:** because you dumb fuck

 

 **you:** its important

 

 **lavaman:** didn’t you name your cat after a sword kanda

 

 **you:** shut up and die

 

 **lavaman:** he wont tell you but this is his face right now

 

 

 **allel:** why does everyone have so many pictures of me????

 

 **lenalady:** i think tyki would have a better time explaining that one

 

 **allel:** why tyki?

 

 **lenalady:** hes good with explaining stuff and has an amazing eye for aesthetics

 

 **allel:** okay

 

 **allel:** whatever

 

 **lenalady:** does it really bother you that much?

 

 **allel:** no? I mean its a little weird but im just mostly bothered because like all of your guys’ phones are just,,, filled with pictures of me

 

 **lenalady:** again. Talk To Tyki.

 

 **allel:** where even is tyki?

 

 **lavaman:** he thought he was a ghost and that he could walk through a door while he was holding his phone

 

 **lavaman:** since its an iphone it didnt stand a chance

 

 **rhoadde:** _weak_

 

 **lavaman:** tyki says hes at least six times stronger than you

 

 **you:** hes not stronger than me at all wtf

 

 **lavaman:** not _you_

 

 **you:** but you just said me

 

 **rhoadde:** no didnt you hear him he said you

 

 **you:** what

 

 **lavaman:** what?

 

 **rhoadde:** what????

 

 **lenalady:** anyways allen if youre still uncomfy with it we could send pictures of us on here?

 

 **allel:** but i see you everyday

 

 **lenalady:** i know that silly im just saying if itll make you feel better

 

 **knea:** it’d be cool to know what you all look like, for me

 

 **allel:** die

 

 **knea:** dont worry cross has that covered

 

 **rhoadde:** is he still chasing you?

 

 **knea:** hah hah ive been driving forever i dont think im even in europe anymore

 

 **rhoadde:** then where would you be?

 

 **knea:** idk russia

 

 **rhoadde:** isnt russia in europe though????

 

 **knea:** no its only half european

 

 **lavaman:** but is it [_gay_ or european](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LN_L85b2zQ)

 

 **knea:** is that even a question?

 

 **lavaman:** idk probably not

 

 **+** : neah stop it youre literally still in england

 

 **+** : surprise that’s one of the joys that comes with living on a big island

 

 **knea:** on a wha t

 

 **allel:** great britain is an island

 

 **allel:** duh

 

 **knea:** cross are you still going to break my other arm

 

 **+** : no now get your bony ass home

 

 **knea:** i dont trust you

 

 **+** : for fucks sake i promise now come on its late as shit

 

 **knea:** fine but if you try anything…

 

 **+** : youll what? Cry?

 

 **knea:** probably tbh

 

 **+** : come on its late dumbass

 

 **knea:** fine

 

 **rhoadde:** this entire conversation has killed me. This is me right now

 

**+** : shut up you little baby

 

 **rhoadde:** i know you are but what am i

 

 **+** : youre a baby

 

 **rhoadde:** im literally not

 

 **allel:** how old are you anyways?

 

 **rhoadde:** thats funny

 

 **allel:** its a question actually

 

 **rhoadde:** and this is not an answer sorry

 

 **rhoadde:** sucks to suck

 

 **allel:** well rip me i guess

 

 **you:** fine

 

 **allel:** wait s h i t

 

 **knea:** todays just one of those days isnt it?

 

 **allel:** idk is it?

 

 **knea:** anyways heres the _actual legit_ doggo of mine

 

 

 **allel:** im going to kill you

 

 **knea:** well shit

 

 **knea:** but honestly thats fair

 

 **knea:** i dont know what the fucks wrong with my phone

 

 **knea:** let me try again

 

**allel:** :) you’re :) :) dead :)

 

 **knea:** fuck this

 

 **knea:** screw texting im going to bed

 

 **rhoadde:** but youre not even home yet

 

 **rhoadde:** oh i get it

 

 **rhaodde:** youre sleeping at cross’ house arent you?

 

 **knea:** fite me

 

 **rhoadde:** i would but im afraid i might break your elbow

 

 **knea:** it was my _arm_ for fucks sake

 

 **+** : and he’s out

 

 **allel:** as in he fell asleep or you knocked him unconscious?

 

 **+** : a little bit of both

 

 **allel:** wait why do i care

 

 **allel:** fuck this shit imma go chill with my dogs

 

 **wiser than ur mum:** the ones that are still at my house?

 

 **allel:** fuck it kanda im coming over

 

 **you:** great -_-

 

 **allel:** yes it is

 

 **you:** oh fuck you

 

 **allel:** i mean

 

 **allel:** if you insist

 

 **lavaman:** _guys_

 

 **allel:** yes?

 

 **lavaman:** get this shit off the group chat

 

 **allel:** how about no?

 

 **lavaman:** i hate all of you

 

 **lenalady:** even me?

 

 **lavaman:** no u good

 

 **lenalady:** :)

 

 **rhoadde:** gross stop unhand my lady

 

 **lavaman:** we were literally just talking

 

 **rhoadde:** >:) do >:) you >:) have >:) a >:) death >:) wish>:)

 

 **lavaman:** damn yall its just one of those days isnt it

 

 **lavaman:** night guys

 

 **wiser than ur mum:** night? Its like noon?

 

 **lavaman:** dude its three a m

 

 **wiser than ur mum:** oh.

 

 **wiser than ur mum:** that makes sense. i wondered where everyone one went. Now i see it is the sleeping hours. Thank you larva.

 

 **lavaman:** youre welcome?

 

 **wiser than ur mum:** no im wisely but i can understand the confusion

 

 **lavaman:** ?????????

 

 **lavaman:** is it like friday the thirteenth today because yall are acting weird

 

 **lavaman:** no one even called me out on saying yall like wtf guys

 

 **lavaman:** for real guys what is UP with today

 

 **lavaman:** you know what? Im too tired for this shit. Night yall

 

 **allel:** Tyki. Is he asleep?

 

 **lavaman:** confirmed - Tyki

 

**allel:** Well, then.

 

 **allel:** Let’s get started. :)

 

[(Here's some deleted scenes.)](https://lonelinessisadisease.tumblr.com/post/180221114416/d-gay-man-deleted-scenes)


	7. Lavi's Teen Dream Queen Sweet Twenty-Three(n) Beach Birthday Bash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> allel: lavi its your birthday
> 
> lavi: oh okay
> 
> lavi: wait why am i locked in my room on my birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys im sorry it took so long i don't really have an excuse except that im lazy and writing is hard anyways! new people! (None of the pictures are mine and there aren't any memes sorry)

**lavaman:** guys why am i locked in my room wtf

 

**lenalady:** sometimes we all have to make sacrifices lavi :))))

 

**lavaman:** i dont understand at all wtf babe

 

**lenalady:** hay i’m not your babe, babe

 

**lavaman:** okay babe

 

**lavaman:** whats going on babe

 

**lavaman:** why is my door locked

 

**allel:** lavi. What day is it?

 

**lavaman:** uh tuesday?

 

**allel:** no the other one

 

**lavaman:** oh really i coulda sworn it was tuesday

 

**lenalady:** lavi i love you but i swear to god

 

**lenalady:** today is august 10th

 

**lavaman:** oh

 

**lenalady:** you have no idea what that means do you?

 

**lavman:** nah

 

**lenalady:** [lavi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kyn9Es4HoY)

 

**lavaman:** hey i love this song

 

**lavaman:** this is my jam

 

**lavaman:** but what does it have to do with today?

 

**lenalady:** oh my  _ god _

 

**allel:** lavi its your birthday

 

**lavi:** oh okay

 

**lavi:** wait why am i locked in my room on my birthday

 

**allel:**

 

**lenalady:**

 

**lavaman:** guys???

 

**allel:** well

 

**lenalady:** you see

 

**lavavman:** with the one eye i have left, yes

 

**rhoadde:** we sort of locked your door so we could give you a surprise birthday party without you walking in before we were ready

 

**lavaman:** oh that’s nice thanks guys you’re swell pals my bros my amigos my chimichangas

   


 

**lavaman:** but if you were gonna surprise me why tell me now?

 

**allel:** …

 

**Tyki:** I am So Sorry.

 

**lavaman:** guys? What’s going on?

 

**allel:** we may have been unable to unlock your door because it locks from the inside

 

**lavaman:** then why cant i unlock it??

 

**allel:** you have to use a key from the inside.

 

**allel:** a key that we have

 

**lavaman:** ...and since my door doesn’t have a gap…oh god im so fucked

 

**you:** ur so fucked

 

**lavaman:** great -_-

 

**Tyki:** This is all my fault. If I had left the door unlocked or if I had at least checked the lock we wouldn’t be in this situation.

 

**lavaman:** -_- someone please just get me oooooooout

 

**allel:** riiip to tykis self-esteem and internal worth

 

**Tyki:** Who’s that? Never met her.

 

**lavaman:** oh my GOD someone let me out!!!!! Its boring in here and i want cake

 

**lavaman:** that song made me hungry

 

**Tyki:** unless you want us to break down your door, we can’t, im sorry

 

**lavaman:** so what am i supposed to do,, die?!

 

**lavaman:** FUCK

 

**Tyki:** Lavi...are you claustrophobic?

 

**lavaman:** no i just really fucking hate my room

 

**lenalady:** yesterday you called it the best place ever?

 

**lavaman:** that was yesterday and this is now, lena

 

**lavaman:** people change, god

 

**lenalady:** well don’t get your lingerie in a twist damn

 

**lavaman:** id wear lingerie for u tyki

 

**Tyki:** thats not necessary lavi

 

**lavaman:** guys i want lingerie for my birthday thats it thats my list

 

**allel:** k so imma call noise and see if he can help us

 

**lavaman:** isn’t he blind? With both eyes???

 

**lavaman:** i know he’s at least as blind as i am

 

**lavaman:** which is to say,, pretty blind

 

**allel:** because, Lavi, hes smart and has a degree in Doing The Shit

 

**you:** he used to work in a woodshop os he knows how to use dors and shitt

 

**lavaman:** thank you, unofficial allen translator

 

**lenalady:** guys im tired i wanna go home

 

**rhoadde:** bby ily but it’s not even two yet

 

**rhoadde:** as in, not even two in the afternoon

 

**lenalady:** yeah but i wanna go home and take a nap

 

**lavaman:** how do you think  _ I _ feel

 

**lenalady:** oh shut up you’re already in your house

 

**lenalady:** and you’re lucky we didn’t lock you in a broom closet or something

 

**lenalady:** you have a bed with you

 

**lenalady:** i have your couch that looks like the crusty crab and a vagina had a child

   


 

**lenalady:** how is it so uncomfortable

 

**lavaman:** unfriended unfollowed blocked ignored my mom’s calling your mom and you’re not invited to my teen dream queen sweet twenty-three(n) beach birthday bash

 

**allel:** k maries coming over

 

**allel:** with miranda

 

**rhoadde:** hey allen the blonde girl wants you to add her here

 

**allel:** not happening

 

**lavaman:** ?

 

**rhoadde:** its okay ill do it for you

 

**allel:** wait no

 

**eminem:** hi allen :)))

 

**allel:** uh hi emilia

 

**allel:** whats up?

 

**lavaman:** who are you

 

**lavaman:** where didyou come from

 

**lavaman:** where di dyou go

 

**Tyki:** ...i hate to do this, but i must

 

**Tyki:** where did you come from cotton eye joe

 

**eminem:** my names Emilia and im in your house

 

**lavaman:** my house or tykis house

 

**eminem:** i don’t know any of your names

 

**eminem:** here ill send a pic

 

**lavaman:** no pic then?

 

**eminem:** what u wanna fight??? Ill crush you.

 

**lavaman:** oh no im so scared

 

**eminem:** you should be

 

**allel:** i told you that like four minutes ago wtf em

 

**eminem:** sorry its because im so old i keep forgeting things

 

**allel:** emilia youre twenty-seven

 

**allel:** what’s up with you

 

**rhoadde:** hey have you guys seen the blonde chicks phone?

 

**rhoadde:** she lost it

 

**allel:** ?

 

**lavaman:** ?

 

**eminem:** :3

 

**rhoadde:** god damn it i recognize that smirk

 

**rhoadde:** timothy give me my phone back

 

**rhoadde:** where even are you you little twerp

 

**rhoadde:** that was her btw

 

**eminem:** ill never tell!!

 

**lavaman:** guys something just fell in my closet and i’ve never been so afraid for my life i swear to god

 

**allel:** are you thinking what im thinking

 

**lavaman:** probably not i dont think that much tbh

 

**rhoadde:** open your closet

 

**lavaman:** and let all my carefully placed piles of shit fall all over my clean floor? Ill pass

 

**rhoadde:** my son is in there open the closet

 

**lavaman:** aww lenalee i didn’t know you had a kid

 

**lenalady:** i don’t. Emilia does

 

**lavaman:** no road just said she does

 

**lenalady:** see this, im facepalming right now. You made me do this.

   


 

**lavaman:** aha! You liar! I know for a fact that that is mio from nichijou facepalming right there you lying liar

 

**eminem:** yeah you fire-pants

 

**eminem:** quit sitting on a throne of lies you liar!!!!!

 

**lavaman:** FUCk

 

**lavaman:** my closet just did the thing again

 

**eminem:** sorry

 

**lavaman:** sokay

 

**lavaman:** wait why are you sorry

 

**eminem:** because i just am okay

 

**lavaman:** okay

 

**rhoadde:** come out of the closet you little fuck

 

**lavaman:** i did that like fourteen years ago? And everyone already knew anyways???

 

**rhoadde:** TIMOTHY FUCKING HEARST I WILL CHANGE THE WIFI PASSWORD SO HELP ME GOD

 

**lavaman:** who’s timothy

 

**Tyki:** I believe they’re referring to the child currently in your closet.

 

**lavaman:** okay

 

**lavaman:** wait i have a closet

 

**lavaman:** wait there’s a child in there

 

**lavaman:** guys kidnapping isn’t okay

 

**eminem:** no its fine cause i woke up

 

**lavaman:** hey i getchu

 

**lavaman:** ur in my closet?

 

**eminem:** no i would never

 

**lavaman:** is that a yes

 

**eminem:** yeah

 

**eminem:** but i didn’t mean to!

 

**eminem:** i fell asleep on the couch with a big dog and i woke up in here

 

**eminem:** i promise i didn’t sneak in

 

**eminem:** and then i heard the door was locked and i didn’t want to get in trouble

 

**eminem:** so when notifications started popping up on emilia’s phone (WHICH I ALSO DIDN’T MEAN TO TAKE I PROMISE PLEASE NOT THE WIFI) i just pretended to be her

 

**eminem:** but htat just got me in more trouble i think

 

**eminem:** how

 

**eminem:** how much trouble am i in

 

**rhoadde:** none i guess because that sounded sad

 

**rhoadde:** lavi give my son a hug

 

**lavaman:** tim-tim come out of the closet so i can give you a hug k

 

**allel:** [look at little tim-tim](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upxzaVMhw8k)

 

**allel:** [sleeping so soundly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=upxzaVMhw8k)

 

**you:** wtf my boyfrineds a crepe

 

**lenalady:** a crepe?

   


**lenalady:** as in?

   


 

   


**you:** bite me

 

**lenalady:** maybe later

 

**lavaman:** so timmers how didst thou end in my closet?

 

**eminem:** i think i sleptwalked im sorry i ddin’t mean to

 

**lavaman:** its chill bro

 

**lavaman:** theres nothing to do here anyways might as well have someone else in here

 

**eminem:** i uh

 

**lavaman:** did you wanna come out of the closet little dude?

 

**eminem:** no im good ill stay here

 

**lavaman:** why? I promise i dont bite and its probably not safe to chill in that small of a space with tim

 

**eminem:** with tim? But i am tim?

 

**lavaman:** Timcanpy, allens dog

 

**eminem:** wait this is allens dog?!

 

**eminem:** allen i didn’t know you had a dog why didnt you tell me

 

**allel:** it? Never came up i guess? I have two btw, timcanoy and allen2

 

**eminem:** timcanoy

 

**allel:** id say fuck off but your a kid

 

**eminem:**  :)

 

**allel:** fuck it, fuck right off you little shitbucket

 

**rhoadde:** hey allen

 

**allel:** yes emilia

 

**rhoadde:** im going to kill you

 

**rhoadde:** brutally

 

**lavaman:** comeon kiddo its okay

 

**lavaman:** were not mad or anything i promise

 

**eminem:** you promise on your boyfriend?

 

**lavaman:** i-i promise on my boyfriend

 

**eminem:** fine

 

**lavaman:** oh

 

**lavaman:** my

 

**lavaman:** god

   


 

   


**lavaman:** hes adorable im keeping him

 

**rhoadde:** no hes mine damnit

 

**lavaman:** too late finders-keepers hes mine now

 

**lavaman:** what’s with the hair though?

 

**rhoadde:** i have no idea to be honest

 

**rhoadde:** its obvious he dyes it but he never tells me where or lets me take him in to get it done professionally

 

**rhoadde:** idk man he’s odd but like also perfect

 

**lavaman:** hey kid wanna watch D. Gray Man on my flatscreen tv?

 

**eminem:** whats that?

 

**lavaman:** its a weird anime about some dumbasses being gay and dumb and shit

 

**eminem:** sure but why are we texting

 

**lavaman:** idk why not

 

**lavaman:** you can sit on the bed it’s big enough and i should have some snacks lying around here...somewhere

 

**eminem:** in the closet theres some chips i think

 

**lavaman:** ur a lifesaver bro

 

**eminem:** why did you throw a mint at me

 

**lavaman:** its not a mint its a lifesaver

 

**eminem:** pretty sure its a mint

 

**lavaman:** that theme song is killer though

 

**eminem:** its okay i guess

 

**eminem:** animations a little old though

 

**lavaman:** i know

 

**lavaman:** its perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for loving me. Keep at it.


	8. Your House Is On Fire And Your Name Is Lavaman Now That's Irony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lavaman: wait guys why are you breaking my door down
> 
> Marie: I’m saving you.
> 
> lavaman: must you
> 
> Marie: I must.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo-hoo, ya girl's back here on her bullshit. But hey, another update!

**eminem:** what’s that weird noise

 

**lavaman:** i farted

 

**eminem:** no i mean the other weird noise

 

**lavaman:** timcanpy farted

 

**eminem:** oh my god no

 

**lavaman:** you farted?

 

**eminem:** no one farted i think theyre breaking your door down

 

**lavaman:** oh okay

 

**lavaman:** wait guys why are you breaking my door down

 

**Marie:** I’m saving you.

 

**lavaman:** must you

 

**Marie:** I must.

 

**lavaman:** why is there smoke?!

 

**Marie:** I may have made a mistake.

 

**lavaman:** is that FIRE?!!

 

**eminem:** cool!!

 

**lavaman:** no! NOT COOL!! VERY NOT COOL!!!

 

**lavaman:** WHY IS MY HOUSE ON FIRE

 

**eminem:** i mean it makes since

 

**eminem:** since youre lavaman and all

 

**rhoadde:** timothy ily but shut up

 

**eminem:** sorry

 

**rhoadde:** oh my GOD IS THAT FIRE?!!!!!   
  


**lavaman:** thats what i was SAYING!!!!!!

 

**eminem:** no tim dont go to the fire

 

**eminem:** fire is bad

 

**rhoadde:** youre going TOWARDS the fire??!

 

**eminem:** no bad dog

 

**rhoadde:** hey you little

 

**eminem:** huh?

 

**eminem:** i was talking to timcanpy

 

**eminem:** he was walking towards the fire

 

**allel:** yeah

 

**allel:** he does that

 

**lenalady:** anyways guys we should evacuate

 

**lenalady:** since the house is on fire and all

 

**allel:** i guess

 

**lavaman:** guys??? How are we supposed to get out???

 

**rhoadde:** using the door??

 

**lavaman:** oh you mean the one that’s currently ON FIRE

 

**rhoadde:** the other door dofus

 

**lavaman:** we cant get out unless you want us to BURST INTO FLAMES

 

**rhoadde:** well i can’t control the weather god damn

 

**lavaman:** fire is not weather!!!

 

**eminem:** guys?

 

**rhoadde:** fuck you you dick

 

**lavaman:** its my birthday you cant say that

 

**rhoadde:** ...okay i can’t fight that

 

**eminem:** GUYS!

 

**allel:** yes little tim tim

 

**eminem:** there’s a fire escape.

 

**lavaman:** no

 

**lavaman:** no way

 

**lavaman:** that thing hasn’t been used since the forties

 

**lavaman:** we’ll probably die

 

**lavaman:** i cant have a kids blood on my hands

 

**eminem:** if we stay here well definitely die

 

**rhoadde:** do it lavi

 

**rhoadde:** protect my son

 

**eminem:** s

 

**eminem:** son?

 

**rhoadde:** yep.

 

**lavaman:** okay but first let me take a selfie

 

 

**lavaman:** and grab my laptop because its got my ninety-five page thesis and bitch id rather burn than write that shit again

 

 **rhoadde:** did you really spend time to photoshop that

 

 **lavaman:** a man must do what a man must do

 

**eminem:** what about you guys?

 

**rhoadde:** oh were already outside   


 

**eminem:** k im coming down

 

**lavaman:** kid waiT

 

**lavaman:** allen how do we get your dog out?

 

**allel:** oh timcanpy? Don’t worry hes fine

 

**allel:** hes in fires all the time

 

**allel:** hes basically fire resistant you can just leave him

 

**allel:** hell get out on his own

 

**lavaman:** please never have children

 

**allel:**  ;)

 

**lavaman:** okay fuck has anyone seen my handy-dandy notebook

 

**lenalady:** youre house is literally on fire now is not the time lavi

 

**lavaman:** i  _ literally _ cant go anywhere without it so now is absolutely the time, lena

 

**eminem:** oh my god were going to die

 

**allel:** _ i know, right :) _

 

**eminem:** sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

 

**lavaman:** okay i found my notebook and oh god where s the child

 

**allel:** with you?

 

**lavaman:** no he isn’t

 

**allel:** yeah sorry we cant hang out anymore the doctors said i needed to stop talking to dead people and man ur fukin dead

 

**lavaman:** allen i love you but  _ what in the shit _

 

**allel:** i too, love yuu

 

**lavaman:** [ timmy where are you baby ](https://youtu.be/4xX1pMn8LvA?t=452)

 

**eminem:** im shidjf

 

**eminem:** *shjlakdin

 

**eminem:** *****shakinggggggggggggggggg

 

**lavaman:** where are you small thing

 

**eminem:** i was climbing down the fire stair thing and i fucking died

 

**lavaman:** [oh shit,, without me?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtL6wm1ef-g)

 

**eminem:** no i literally fell like twenty feet and would have fuckingggg died but an ugly ass angel saved me

 

**allel:** where are you then?

 

**eminem:** in the weird angel’s arms

 

**lavaman:** who is this angel?

 

**eminem:** Hello there.

 

**eminem:** Is this your child?

 

**lavaman:** new phone who dis

 

**eminem:** My name is Link. Please take your child back now.

 

**lavaman:** can’t sorry im trapped in a flaming building

 

**Marie:** I  _ said _ I was sorry, Lavi.

 

**lavaman:**  what was that sorry i cant hear you over all the fire alarms

 

**eminem:** Someone please take this child from me. I do not want to drop it; it looks very fragile.

 

**allel:** god im coming

 

**eminem:** Thanks??? I did not need to know about your sex life???

 

**allel:** hye fuck yo

 

**allel:** oh my god its you

 

**allel:** [i was abut to slap you but then i realized that’d be animal abuse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bh6cNDbpfws)

 

**wiser than ur mum:** did someone say animal abuse

 

**wiser than ur mum:** who did it

 

**wiser than ur mum:** ill fuckin destroy them

 

**wiser than ur mum:** im a vet so killing animal abusers is perfectly legal :))))

 

**Tyki:** Following that logic, are you hereby saying that Sheril can kill human abusers?

 

**wiser than ur mum:** he already does that i mean come on where did you think he got me

 

**Tyki:** do you need like,,, a hug or something?

 

**wiser than ur mum:** nah im good i got me some doggies

 

 

**lavaman:** guys nice chat im about to fucking die here

 

**eminem:** What floor and room are you on?

 

**lavaman:** floor 3 room 7 save me pls

 

**eminem:** Move to a safe location and wait for a moment.

 

**lavaman:** timothy was right you really are an angel

 

**lavaman:** although now that i think about it why did you take his phone

 

**lavaman:** i mean emelias phone

 

**lavaman:** the phone

 

**eminem:** He fell asleep on me concerningly quickly and his phone was precariously placed on my shoulder. I picked it up to inform the parents of his person, nothing more.

 

**lavaman:** okay professor

 

**allel:** anyways fuck you link gimmie the kid and the phone

 

**eminem:** Alright, Mr. Walker.

 

**lavaman:** holy shit u 2 know each other??

 

**allel:** yeah his job is to basically stalk me while im at my job

 

**eminem:** I oversee all of the employee’s, Mr. Walker, not just you.

 

**allel:** see that’s what he WANTS you ro think

 

**eminem:** Sure.

 

**lavaman:** wait what even is your job dude

 

**allel:** cant say

 

**lavaman:** why not

 

**allel:** gag orders

 

**lavaman:** allen that doesn’t really help there are lots of places where you can order gags

 

**lavaman:** is it amazon

 

**lavaman:** do you work for amazon allen

 

**allel:** no lavi i do not work for amazon

 

**lavaman:** etsy?

 

**allel:** no

 

**you:** he works at a fucking mcds

 

**lavaman:** oh right

 

**lenalady:** dont you two work together lavi?

 

**lavaman:** _ oh right _

 

**lavaman:** holy SHIT

 

**lavaman:** a baby just ran into my room what in the everloving fuck

 

 

**eminem:** Do not fear. Tewaku is here.

 

**lavaman:** are you lost small child?

 

**lavaman:** holy shit the baby just picked me up

 

**lavaman:** im being carried out of my buring house by a child

 

**rhoadde:** i mean at least it’s not mine

 

**allel:** speaking of which emilia why did your child fall asleep so fast

 

**rhoadde:** hes narcoleptic

 

**allel:** again, but this time in english, please

 

**rhoadde:** he sleep

 

**allel:** i see

 

**Link:** I took the liberty to add my phone to this chat, Mr. Walker, so I can ensure your productivity in the office.

 

**allel:** link we literally work at a mcdonalds what the fuck

 

**lavaman:** yeah okay thats kinda creepy ngl

 

**Link:** Good.

 

**lavaman:** holy shit man what a fucking power move

 

**lavaman:** the child is running back inside??

 

**allel:** because my dogs still in there?

 

**lavaman:** because you told me to leave him?

 

**allel:** and im responsible now?

 

**lavaman:** okay that’s fair

 

**lenalady:** anyways happy birthday

 

 **lenalady:** one year older!

 

 **allel:** and closer to death

 

**lavaman:** go me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr @lonelinessisadisease or something.


	9. There Can Be Only One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lenalady: seriously? It’s been two weeks. Get over yourself
> 
> allel: sorry what? I cant hear you over the betrayal of one of my closest friends
> 
> lenalady: allen you met him on fucking craigslist
> 
> allel: love knows no bounds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i KNOW it's been forever and this is a pretty short chapter and im sorry you guys but i finally got it out so that's something i guess???
> 
> (the reason all my fics take forever is because i was born with this thing called Little Bitch Syndrome and it makes doing literally anything incredibly hard and also i'm really stupid and frankly uncreative as fuck and also depression so yeah writing more than ten words a day is a Challenge and i have so many fics and internet is hard to find and also please ignore this entire message thanks i hate myself)
> 
> enjoy?

**allel:** guys what the fuck is a krorey

 

 **lavaman:** lol who

 

 **lenalady:** seriously? It’s been two weeks. Get over yourself

 

 **allel:** sorry what? I cant hear you over the betrayal of one of my closest friends

 

 **lenalady:** allen you met him on fucking craigslist

 

 **allel:** love knows no bounds

 

 **knea:** i dont know whats happening but i finally got my cast off

 

 **knea:** my elbow is free

 

 **+** : i thought it was your arm

 

 **knea:** :)

 

 **knea:** im in danger

 

 **+** : yeah you are

 

 **knea:** please don’t break me

 

 **knea:** ;(

 

 **lavaman:** lol what does that even mean a winky frown

 

 **+** : sad whore. That’s what it means

 

 **knea:** id fight but hes not wrong

 

 **allel:** ANYWAYS GUYS BACK TO THE STORY im mad at crowley

 

 **knea:** lol who dat

 

 **allel:** that’s what im saying

 

 **allel:** anyways he sucked ass last week when he tried to play strip poker and i had to win all his clothes back

 

 **knea:** lol who was the opponent

 

 **allel:** Tyki but that’s not the point because the point is that he got scammed and spent four thousand dollars bringing a “long-lost cousin” to america and im angry and disappointed

 

 **allel:** i feel like a father

 

 **rhoadde:** ew

 

 **Vampman:** allen? Talk to me? Please?

 

 **Vampman:** I can assure you the cousin I gave that money to is real, the letter said his name is daisya barry and he’s trying to move here

 

 **allel:** lol what did you just fucking say

 

 **allel:** @you its your fucking brother

 

 **allel:** also who fucking added him

 

 **you:** which one

 

 **Vampman:** you added me? When you added miranda?

 

 **allel:** the one in turkey

 

 **you:** oh

 

 **allel:** ? kanda?

 

 **you:** sorry im busy trying to break my skull open on this doorframe

 

 **lavaman:** mood

 

 **you:** @Buddabitch hes back

 

 **lavaman:** lol i didn’t know alma was on here

 

 **allel:** he’s not

 

 **you:** i just added him

 

 **allel:** why

 

 **allel:** i thought you loved me yuu

 

 **allel:** why would you do this to us

 

 **Buddabitch:** damn i try to kill you ONE TIME and this is the kind of love I receive

 

 **Buddabitch:** that’s cold ally

 

 **allel:** my names allen you bitch

 

 **Buddabitch:** i know :D

 

 **Buddabitch:** anyways whos back yuu

 

 **you:** its him

 

 **you:** the 1

 

 **Buddabitch:** is that supposed to mean something to me

 

 **lenalady:** oh hi alma

 

 **lenalady:** hes talking about daisya

 

 **Buddabitch:** oh

 

 **Buddabitch:** oh no

 

 **Vampman:** What’s so bad about him? He’s my cousin?

 

 **Buddabitch:** im so sorry for you

 

 **lenalady:** daisya is...well, there’s a reason he’s not in the chat

 

 **nightya:** lol

 

 **lenalady:** i mean he’s not rude he’s just...well

 

 **lenalady:** hes daisya

 

 **nightya:** hi

 

 **lenalady:** hello strange, vaguely daisya-sounding-username person that was just added to this chat

 

 **nightya:** hi

 

 **lenalady:** im sure you’re not daisya because i believe in my friends not to be that stupid and irresponsible

 

 **nightya:** yep 10/10 agree

 

 **lenalady:** youre daisya aren’t u

 

 **nightya** : lol

 

 **lenalady:** @you @Buddabitch please take care of him

 

 **you:** no

 

 **Buddabitch:** osrry im busy being gay

 

 **nightya:** with whomst

 

 **Buddabitch:** no of ya damn business

 

 **wiser than ur mum:** lol hi daisya

 

 **nightya:** that’s mr. barry esquire to you

 

 **wiser than ur mum:** no

 

 **allel:** what is even happeneing

 

 **Vampman:** youre asking _me_?

 

 **allel:** no im not talking to you

 

 **lenalady:** hes asking the readers

 

 **allel:** quite trying to break the fourth wall  you bitch

 

 **Buddabitch:** im the only bitch in here

 

 **allel:** no were all bitches

 

 **Buddabitch:** there can be only one

 

 

 

 **Link:** Daisya Barry.

 

 **nightya:** hi ?

 

 **Link:** Hello.

 

 **nightya:** nice power play total stranger

 

 **Link:** Thanks.

 

 **nightya:** so who else wants to say hello to ol’ daisya

 

 **Vampman:** I paid you money

 

 **nightya:** yea

 

 **nightya:** thanks

 

 **Vampman:** are you coming to america

 

 **nightya:** ya

 

 **nightya:** my family abandoned me in turkey

 

 **nightya:** im coming back for revenge and cake

 

 **nightya:** mostly cake but regardless

 

 **you:** we left you on the corner where we found you

 

 **you:** go away

 

 **nightya:** im like a plague once you let me into your life im never leaving

 

 **lenalady:** aren’t you like a professional soccer player or something daisya

 

 **lenalady:** like don’t you have better things to do?

 

 **nightya:** no

 

 **lavaman:** i don’t know who you are but i love you

 

 **lenalady:** lavi you have a boyfriend

 

 **lavaman:** i meant planetonically

 

 **rhoadde:** “planetonically”

 

 **lavaman:** anyways speaking of wich where are u @Tyki

 

~~**sophiangela:** did u say witch ~~

 

 **lavaman:** no who even are you

 

~~**sophiangela:** oh ~~

 

~~**sophiangela:** nevermind then ~~

 

 **lavaman:** what the fuck was that

 

 **lavaman:** who just left the chat

 

 **lenalady:** hes with rhoadde lavi

 

 **lenalady:** they’re playing “dress up”

 

 **nightya:** drag?

 

 **lenalady:** drag.

 

 **lenalady:** and idk what you’re talking about lavi? No one left the chat?

 

 **lavaman:** alright cool

 

 **lavaman:** i just got visited by satan

 

 **lavaman:** that or some strange vague side character with connotations to the word witch

 

 **lavaman:** im going to go to bed so i dont have to think about this

 

 **lavaman:** if i don’t wake up you know who it was

 

 **lavaman:** goodnight

 

 **nightya:** you mean good nightya

 

 **lavaman:** no i dont

 

 **nightya:** honesstly i can’t be mad at that

 

 **nightya:** i respect you

 

 **allel:** wish i could say the same

 

 **nightya:** anyways by im going on a plane

 

 **nightya:** hello america

 

 **nightya:** hello dennys hello guns hello violence

 

 **nightya:** wait no i have those last two things here

 

 **nightya:** hello dennys

 

 **nightya:** see you soon kanda :) alma :) everyone else who i don’t know :) and ally :)

 

 **allel:** my names allen you bitch

 

**Buddabitch:**

 

****

 

 **nightya:** :D

 

 **allel:** kanda i hate your fucking family

 

 **Buddabitch:** even tiedoll

 

 **allel:** no

 

 **allel:** not him

 

 **allel:** but everyone else

 

 **lavaman:** i just woke up randomly but did anyone else notice the vague hints about wisely banging alma?

 

 **lenalady:** im sure thats not true go back to bed lavi

 

 **lavaman:** no i mean seriously

 

 **lenalady:** lavi

 

 **lenalady:** bed

 

 **allel:** yeah that’d be ridiculous

 

 **Buddabitch:** im gonna tell em

 

 **wiser than ur mum** : bitch dont do it

 

 **Buddabitch:** im gonna tell em

 

 **wiser than ur mum** : no

 

 **allel:** tell us what

 

 **wiser than ur mum** : lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the only fic that i'm legitimately okay with right now so that's something i guess

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!


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